and so it happened...

It seems that I "blog" in my mind pretty much all the time.  More likely than not, it is wistful reminiscing about what was or is or might have been.  A phrase is lolling around in my head and I am trying to get a grasp on it.  A reading from Genesis recounting the earth's creation at the Easter Vigil contained the phrase "and so it happened."  A few words that contain such authority.  What does this have to do with me?  Why has this taken residence in my mind?  Is this the difference in wish and want because this is what should come after those things that are so important that I give them more prominence than just a wish.  I should work harder at the "wants" in my being and then defining the purpose in these words.....and so it happened!

Until then....

I miss my Mommy.......why should today be any different but it is.  I can't stop crying or get rid of the feeling that I need to go get her and bring her home. But I can't and in my head I know it but my heart will not concede the fact that she is not here. I go into her bedroom and see all of the paperbacks that she obsessively collected. I really should start cleaning these things out but that would be admitting that she is gone.  She will be upset when she comes home and her books are gone. Even trying to recycle one with pages falling out and the cover missing would be too hard for her. So what do I do now? I have so much to be thankful for, I know that, but I miss my Mommy and it overshadows everything else in my live. Maybe I will use those precious books. What if I tore the covers off and cut them up and somehow created a tribute to my Mom?  A portrait made from the colors of stories read so many times that she didn't have to read the words.  Love stories of fictitious names.  Tragedies even greater than mine.  A physical presence.....something to hold on to......until I can do it.....until I can finally let go. 

don't blink

So I go for a walk this morning. Not just a walk but a brisk 45 minute walk on the greenway.  I love being in the shade of trees as I walk and listening to the animals rustling away as I near them.  It is early but already warming up quickly and the humidity curled my hair as soon as I began.  It is one of those mornings like so many mornings in the south.  Nothing out of the ordinary but it is just his kind of morning that has me reminiscing. It brought back memories of sitting in my driveway while my kids rode up and down on their tricycles.  Ordinary mornings.  Nothing special.  For those moments everything was right in the world.  I miss them, the mornings and my babies.  I dwell on how quickly life can change. The literal blink of an eye and the world turns upside down.  The last few years have been hard ones.  I am very happy but at times life seems to swirl out of control around me.  Still I seem to land safely in the arms of those who love me.  I asked God for "just one good day" and yes He did answer me.  It was a Sunday and I fixed my Mom pancakes. I gave her a shower and dressed her.  We went to Church and spent a lovely day together.  I thought everything will be OK.  And then I blinked and an infection took over her body and now she is in a home trying to come back to me. But.........I have these magical moments all for myself.  I wrap them in tissue and tie them with a ribbon and put them in my hope chest. Because when life gets too much, and it will, I will have these moments to unwrap and hold on to and hope....no....I will know that things will get better. 

Is it Spring really?

The winter has not been bad. My new wool hat with the ear flaps was only worn once. Rain and snow was not a problem.  It is the absence of light that makes the world so dreary.  The shorter days surround me like a wet, soggy wrap.  I sometimes wonder if the smell of annoyance of the season is evident to those around me.  But then something happens.....why am I always amazed by this?  Suddenly new growth sprouts in the flowerbed and something in my innermost being mimics this newness.  I begin to dream of flowers blooming and an overabundant garden teaming with vegetables and my soul is renewed.  What can make me smile the way I smile at my new seedlings?  Hope......it is a renewal of hope.....and I begin again.

Rozelle Artist Guild Project Sketchbook 2012

Has it been so long?

Did I simply cease to exist since September? Oh no.....that's right....my classes started again and my mind became a frenzy of chaos....never being sure which end was up....and my Mom....what can I say??? The mind can be a fragile thing and little by little it begins to shrink and then, before you know it, everyday things become so hard...and it is so very hard to watch as someone drifts off to somewhere else and leaves you here to watch it happen. I go inside myself but I really dont like what I find there and I try to get back out and it just seems too hard to manage and then, just like the first snow......it comes back....my chi is restored and amazingly it is with a pen on paper....not words but swirls and swirls and dots and curls....until I can breathe again.

Gnashing of Teeth

My jaws are crying....my head feels like exploding all because of the gnashing of teeth. Life deals a hard blow...my senses are all afire all because of the gnashing of teeth. Why must I do this....my heart cannot continue all because of the gnashing of teeth. Help me I beg you....the pit is beseeching me and I struggle to resist and it's all because of the gnashing of teeth.